10 Advantages of being a Stripper

Whenever things got a bit too much or I ran a bit low on funds I would joke that I would just become a stripper. I never actually considered it seriously. I had been a rule abiding good girl for so long that Stripping was the furthest thing from my mind. However, when I took that first Class I realized I was hooked!

When finally I confessed to myself I was genuinely attracted to becoming a stripper, I was clear about my limitations: I wanted to stay covered, top and bottom, and I did not want to give private dances. I interviewed barefoot, so nerve wrecked that I forgot to take off my clothes, but they put me on the shift list anyway.

I settled nicely into the new job — cherry-picking songs, announcing myself, (by my stage name) and getting to know the regular clients. The experience hasn’t been far from what I thought it would be, I just did not imagine how quickly I would fall in love with it. Stripping, I know, is not for everyone, but there are some wonderful advantages.

Here are 10 of my favorites:

Halloween, Every day!Bring on the shiny gold daisy dukes and the bedazzled bras!

I have learned how to make every profession, character, superhero, and animal into a sexy imitation of itself. Stripping is essentially getting paid to play dress up & undress, which means you always have an excuse to shop for things you’d never be able to wear otherwise.

“OH five-inch stilettos – you mean flats?”

Standard high heels feel petite, and, therefore, entirely convenient. After spending hours on end in seven-inch heels, I find it’s no biggy to put on five-inch stilettos to go to dinner.

The red lights on stage are more flattering than any Instagram filter.

It’s the equivalent of being airbrushed, tanned, and toned all at once. The lights smooth skin tone, mask cellulite and wrinkles, and even add muscular definition.

You get phenomenal abs.

They may not look like a six-pack (mine certainly don’t, except sporadically at certain angles under above-mentioned red lights), but I’m fitter than I’ve ever been. As a person who has never really had a healthy body image, stripping has helped me accept and value my body for what it can do, rather than just what it looks like.

There is no such thing as “too much Glitter”

Remember that time in sixth grade, before a school dance, when you saturated yourself in body glitter and thought you looked like a glittery fairy, only to be told to go wash it off because people may get the “wrong idea”? Well, stripping is the “wrong idea.” No one judges you for wearing sequined outfits, bedazzled shoes, shimmery eye shadow, sparkly lipstick, glitter hairspray and just plain body glitter, in fact they expect it, because, that’s your uniform. The only snag is glitter is the herpes of craft items: it gets everywhere and never really goes away.

Money Oragami!

Money is not aerodynamic, Differing to the songs of Lil’ Wayne and T-Pain that suggest strippers dance around in an endless torrent of magically floating cash, While some gracious clients place their tips neatly on the stage, most just wad up the cash and toss the cash balls at the stage. Some, however, get more creative. I have received a few airplanes, one bow tie, one fortune teller, two ninja stars, and one paper crane.

Make it Rain!

Though the money isn’t bad, the rare occasions when someone decides to “make it rain” are relatively stunning — a girl might easily make well over R1000 on a single song. The “rain” might be in reaction to an remarkable trick, or it may come as a result of the guy in the corner determining it’s time to go and gets rid of the last of his small notes by showering whichever dancer is onstage.. Sometimes, it rains when you least expect it. It also happens in response to a mistake. Trip on a heel and keep going? Fall out of a handstand? Forget to tuck in a tampon string? The client often supports these embarrassing occurrences with handfuls of cash and cheers of reassurance.

Everyone is someone’s favorite.

You learn that there’s no one version of sexy. In either dance style, or body type. Not all strippers are pole dancers, and not all pole dancers are strippers. There are girls who are all curves, and girls who have none and everything in between. As one client perceptively detected, we’re all tall, but that’s only because of the stilettos; in normal clothes, we range from 4’10″to 5’10”. Each crowd responds differently to the dancers and our unique styles.

No Bars Conversations

You have a place to discuss every fact you’ve ever learned. I’ve had intriguing conversations about the roots of Santa Claus, the structures for various types of sonnets, and different architectural styles of roofs. I’ve also received guidelines on how to deep fry a turkey, retile a bathroom, and make my own almond milk, as well as a few sermons on the workings of fantasy football, which, honestly, I still don’t understand.

And lastly, and possibly my favourite:

Work Attire!

You can wear pajamas to work. You’re just going to take them off anyway 😉